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I had a friend on here named Rebecca. We became close friends through livejournal over many years. She disappeared around a year ago. Or is it two now? I have no idea what happened to her. She was on a constant suicide watch. Was she finally able to do it? I wish I had some way of talking to her again. She doesn't even sign onto aim anymore. I felt such a strong attachment towards her. I wish she knew that. If she did, she would have tried to contact me by now.

I had a friend I met through ujournal named Ray. He wasn't really a friend- he was someone that I worshiped. I devoutly looked up to him. But for him, I was just an embarrassing young girl experiencing nerdy, awkward mishaps through puberty. He was so brilliant, he was so successful. I still consider him to be deeply beautiful. His last entry was years ago. It was brief, succinct, ominous. And then he disappeared. Is he dead too? I just wish we could talk now. Maybe he would finally be able to see me as a person.

It's so terribly lonely.
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Livejournal is seriously dead, my old friends are practically nonexistant now, and it's just boring. Might as well keep my journal public from this day forth- who cares who reads it! It don't matta no mohhhh.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be finishing up a take home exam, but I have to live up to my procrastinating ways. This gives me the chance to catch up on some stuff, at least. Well, maybe not catch up, but to let me know what's going on so I can read this and look back and think, "HMMM, so that's what I was thinking during this time of my life! I REMEMBERRR". I haven't been using the internet too often anymore, either. Or writing in notebooks, or anything. I've noticed that my way of speaking has changed, and my vocabulary has been diminishing. I've been reading a lot more often lately. I just finished Trainspotting, haha, maybe that's why my word use is a bit off. But I dinnae give a fook, ya wee radge.

I feel like I've been brain dead for awhile. Too much work, not enough school, not enough alone time, not enough friend time. I think that it's all apart of adjusting from leaving high school. Going from containment to freedom in only a few months can cause quite a change.

Speaking of freedom, I'm moving to San Francisco soon. I'm going to room with Zeke, Lauren, and Dylan. At this point, we're counting on Zeke to find us the best place. It's been difficult, because it's Zeke, but I know he'll pull through. Dylan was giving me a hard time about it before, and when he freaks out, he has no one else to go to (or blame) but me. Then I told him that I was sick of him, that I'm breaking up with him, blahbalhhas. I'll explain it when I'm feeling depressed, hah. I'm not sure if I still want a break from him or not. He's very dependent on me, so no matter what happens, we'll still be right next to each other. And I know that I'm never going to meet anyone who can compare to him. If I ever fall for anyone else, they will never be nearly as tolerant, as accepting, as intelligent, as witty, as knowledgeable, and what else have you, as he is. It's just the truth. And I do care for him. More than I can ever for anyone. I'm trying to pinpoint why I've felt suffocated when I'm with him lately, and I think it just might be because of the dependence issue. With me having to provide for him money (for his rent), food, transportation, it gets to be draining after awhile. I understand his position, but after awhile of it, I'm sick of not having my own life anymore.

I think it will get better once we move. We have to move.

I want to delve into the more aesthetic lifestyle again. I'm sick of wasting away at work, slaving away trying to earn money for rent, money for gas, I hate feeling like I'm trash. I need time to read, to draw, to do anything more interesting. I don't like to feel boring, I need creativity again.

That reminds me so much of Tyler. He's still in the hospital. I'm going to visit him this Saturday. He's been haunting my dreams so much. Most of them involve him being out of the hospital finally, completely healed, just the same as he's always been. The night that I found out that there was confirmed minor brain damage, I had this nightmare that he completely forgot of my existence. Haha. It's childish. His brain damage isn't nearly that bad- in fact, we don't know how the damage will affect him yet. He's going through a lot of physical therapy. To speak, to walk. He hasn't walked in so long.

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Last night, in the midst of stress and hateful thoughts, I attacked Dylan and told him how being in a relationship has drained me, how he makes me feel suffocated, how I no longer feel relaxed to be together because some form of stress is ridding away my attraction for him.

I slept for a few hours, and then I thought I woke up. I thought that I felt very warm, and I left my bed, and a large amount of menstruation blood spilt forth from under me. I panicked and I raced down the hallway towards the bathroom, feeling as though I was about to vomit. I was tasting the rancid bile, creeping up my throat. I bent over the toilet and opened my mouth, where instead of vomit, piss sprayed forth, it sprayed everything.

After I really woke up, very freaked out, I thought, WHAT DOES THIS MEEEEANNNNNN.

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